


What my Heart Says

by Makoto4



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Benny Lafitte & Dean Winchester Friendship, M/M, compared to the Show, mentions of Sam Winchester - Freeform, not even really angst, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-20
Packaged: 2018-01-20 03:56:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1495693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makoto4/pseuds/Makoto4
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean always thought, it was okay just to smile every time Cas said ‘I love you’ to him...</p><p>Title from: What my Heart Says - Chritian Kane</p>
            </blockquote>





	What my Heart Says

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SupernaturalLifestyle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupernaturalLifestyle/gifts), [kamja (saule)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saule/gifts).



> Sooooo Hi guys!
> 
> I'm so very-very-very and the veriest sorry for abandoning my prev. fic like I did. Actually I'm still planning to complete it, I just kinda had the biggest writers block :(
> 
> And actually I'm not allowed to write anything else BEFORE finishing the Relieving Stress-story, but this one just hopped into my mind yesterday and HAD to write it down before I lost it.
> 
> Sorry, no smut this time, just mentions of it, and there is a thiny angst, ok not thiny but nothing either compared to the show, and a sappy and happy as f*ck ending, so yeah... fluff :))
> 
> Enjoy, and I PROMISE I'm going to complete Relieveing Stress :) :)

Dean always thought, it was okay just to smile every time Cas said ‘I love you’ to him. They were together for two years now, living together for one and a half. Dean loved Cas, so deep that he never even thought about it, it was like breathing air. 

And Cas saying ‘I love you’ just belonged to that feeling, it was so natural like right now sitting at the kitchen table, eating breakfast and just talk about shit like their jobs and the plans for the evening. 

Then Cas had to leave a little bit earlier that day, so he finished his coffee, gave Dean a small kiss on the lips, and quietly murmured the usual ‘I love you’ against Dean’s lips. Dean smiled into the kiss, the feeling, and slapped Cas’s nice ass for good measure as he turned to leave. He completely missed the little disappointed, sad glint in the deep blue orbs.

Dean was looking forward to going to work that day. They had this awesome new colleague, Benny, Dean loved to work with, and yeah they pretty much hit it off (in a way) from day one. They flirted like two high school teens, of course without deeper meaning, as Benny just happened to be straight AND married to a gorgeous woman. And more importantly, Dean only had THAT kind of eyes for Cas. 

He also talked to Cas about Benny, who he had to meet yet, but never mentioned the flirting – as it wasn’t a real flirting, just Benny being confident about his sexuality enough that he played along with an openly gay friend, and Dean being a bit of an attention-whore, AND generally 5 years old, flirting in his whole life.

So today was going to be great. Dean and Benny getting an assignment together, and Cas finishing earlier, and being able to pick up Dean from work, meet Benny, and everything. 

As the day went by, Dean got more and more excited, even texted Cas that they should go for a drink after work, which Cas agreed to (Yo, up 4 drinks 2night? – GOD yes, have some steam to let out, will explain later), so Dean prepared himself mentally to get Cas good and drunk, and then let him fuck Dean into the mattress. 

Just ten minutes before Cas supposed to be there, Benny accidentally tripped and spilled some nice hot coffee on Dean’s pants, which yeah… Burnt like hell.  
Benny kept apologizing, and after Dean took off his pants and the burning stopped Dean started to laugh about Benny’s puppy dog face, and decided to let the whole thing go with some joke. So he wiggled his eyebrows, moved his hips (only in his boxers) to Benny’s face, who was kneeling on the floor to wipe it up, and commented on his fake-huskiest voice he could muster up:

“You know, Lafitte, if you wanted to get into my pants you should have just said so. You know how much I love some thick cock.”

Benny snorted and replied without missing a beat:

“You know me too well, Winchester. I dream about your junk hitting the back of my throat every night.” And grabbed Dean’s boxers, yanked on it, and was about to push Dean stumbling back, when Dean hissed and froze.

Benny’s head snapped up, and his gaze followed Dean’s to the open door. Cas stood there, and he looked like he’d just seen a ghost; face pale, eyes wide, jaw slack. The three of them stared at each other, or more accurately Cas stared at Dean, Dean at Cas and Benny – still kneeling on the floor, fisting Dean’s boxer shorts – kept glancing between them.

“Cas…” – Dean’s voice broke the moment. Cas smiled – and even Benny’s heart broke upon seeing that smile – and started rambling.

“Dean… oh, sorry I didn’t… I mean I am too early, right? I just… I mean it’s ok… No, it’s not ok, I didn’t… sorry.”

And before Dean could react, he turned around, and left, closing the office door behind him with a soft click. That click sounded deafening in the silence. Dean kept staring at the door, and all his mind was able to come up was this.

“Huh?”  
It took a rather hard punch to his shoulder from Benny to come back to himself.

“Brother… I assume that was Cas…”

“Yeah, but…”

“Don’t wanna be a jerk here, but what the fuck are you still doing here?”

“Huh?”

“Dean, your boyfriend TOTALLY got the wrong idea. He saw US, namely ME kneeling in front of you, grabbing your underwear, while talking about dreaming about your dick in my mouth…”

Dean stared at Benny, and then it hit home finally. FUCK. For him, flirting with Benny was so much part of the day and his personality, and he loved Cas so friggin deeply that it didn’t even cross his mind, that Cas could misunderstand the situation, that he couldn’t comprehend Cas leaving like this, and didn’t put two and two together until Benny punched (literally) some sense into him.

“Fuck!”

“Yeah, brother, if I were you, I’d be running after him like Hell’s on my heels”

Dean lost some precious minutes with fishing out his spare pants and putting them on, but eventually he was on his way after Cas, who couldn’t get very far yet, with Benny hot on his heels – Dean asked him to help and explain the situation.

 

CAS

 

Cas always suspected that it would come to an end. He just didn’t assume, it would happen like this. When he met Dean Winchester two years ago, he immediately fell in love with the guy; his eyes, his smile, his voice, and most importantly his soul. Dean Winchester was a beautiful person, and not just on the outside. For somebody less observant, Dean was just a young guy, way too good looking for his own good, careless and loud, obnoxious even. But it took Cas just one look into those hazel eyes to discover the depths of that soul, and everything went just downhill from that moment. By the end of the night, Cas knew he wanted to grow old with Dean, but of course he couldn’t say that. Instead he asked Dean if he wanted to have some acrobatic exercises in Cas’s apartment. Which of course he did. They practically fucked through the weekend, taking turns, with very little talking. 

Before Dean left Sunday in the evening, they exchanged numbers, and agreed to a date. After six months, Dean moved in.  
And every day, Cas kept telling Dean, that he loved him. The first time, he was terrified, but when Dean smiled and kissed him, Cas figured, that they’re good. And every day, he told Dean, Dean would smile and kiss him. And it started to hurt a little, then some more. But Cas never pushed it, never mentioned it. He knew Dean well. At least he thought, he did. 

Dean’s actions gave him some confidence sometimes, but he still couldn’t shake the feeling, that Dean probably has his reasons not telling him. And it started to grow on him. Cas felt more and more insecure as the days turned to weeks and then months. 

Dean would smile at him, worship him, his body, all tender touches and soft eyes, but never say the words Cas found himself to crave.

But now, everything just made sense. Cas knew Dean. Dean wouldn’t cheat- not if it meant nothing. But Dean talked about Benny – Cas assumed the guy groping Dean in the office and confessing his desires to Dean, was Benny – with so much enthusiasm. ‘Dude’s awesome’ – Dean said. 

Dean probably fell for him. Maybe even without realizing it for a while. And that is why Cas never heard those words. Maybe Dean never love-loved him. Sure, he felt some kind of a fondness towards Cas. Maybe it was even some kind of love, but probably not the same Cas felt whenever he looked at, or thought about Dean. Maybe he fell into their routine and figured he’ll give this a try. 

It’s not Dean’s fault it never worked out. Not even Cas’s fault. 

But those thoughts didn’t make the pain go away. Eventually he’ll sit down with Dean, probably tonight even, and talk to him, and then it’s good bye, but right now he just needed to get out.

He passed by the reception, and stepped out of the building, turning to the parking lot. At first it didn’t even registered in his mind, that there are raised voices, shouting. Then he saw it, a young woman, screaming at some guy, clutching her bag, while the guy tries to grab it from her. 

Cas is on his way without realizing it, and stepping up to the guy.

“Leave the lady alone” – and grabs the man’s shoulder. The next thing he feels is some weird burning sensation in his abdomen, then hears the woman scream, and the guy is running. He wants to turn to the woman, and ask if she is okay, but he can’t move his legs properly, and stumbles. There is a sharp pain shooting through his body, and he grabs at it, and then only can stare at his blood stained hands. He got stabbed. 

The thought makes him even dizzier, and opens his mouth again, to ask the still babbling slash screaming woman to call 911 but no sound comes out. That’s when he hears somebody shout his name, and with his slowing mind he registers, it’s Dean running up to him, catching him before he collapses.

 

Dean

 

Dean stumbles after Cas, with some never felt determination. He needs to talk to Cas, and then after they cleared everything, he needs to talk to him more. Cas should trust Dean. As Dean trusts Cas. But later with that, first of all he needs to clarify this situation. 

He can see Cas turning to the parking lot, then speeding up his pace and step over to the arguing couple. The next moment, the guy is running away, and the girl is screaming.

Dean can feel his blood run cold, and he starts to run, Benny shouting at him, he clearly saw something Dean missed.

“Take care of Cas, I’m gonna catch that ass”

Dean calls Cas’s name, and Cas half turns, half stumbles while the girl is still clutching at his arm, and that’s when Dean sees it. The blood. Cas is bleeding. He barely catches Cas just before he collapses to the ground, and easies him onto it. 

“Cas…” – no. no no no no NO! Can’t be happening. - “CAS!”

Cas looks up at Dean and smiles, so sad and so much in pain, that Dean almost starts to sob and cry. 

“Dean… it’s… it’s okay… I knew… It’s okay… You want to end it… I knew deep… you never loved…”

Dean just HAS to interrupt there.

“Cas… What are you…?”

“Dean…? Dean… I love…”

But he never finishes the sentence, his eyes loosing focus, then slipping shut, and Cas goes limp in Dean’s arms.

“Cas? CAS! No… Baby no… Don’t please don’t… Baby wake up!” 

“Dean… Brother?”

Dean looks up, Benny is standing in front of him, breathing hard from the chase, and finishing the phone call probably with 911. The girl is sitting behind him, looks like she is in shock, and Dean can’t blame her. He also feels like it.

He stares at Benny, holding Cas’s limp body, holding to it, never wanting to let go and whispers.

“He is the only one, Benny…”

“I know, brother. I know”

 

The next few hours are like blur. The way to the hospital, calling Sam… He can’t remember either. Later some of it comes back, like Sam saying, he is going to catch the first flight he can, or Benny grabbing his shoulders and forcing him to sit, or to drink some water. 

He is whispering nonsense to Benny, who just carefully listens and grips his shoulder a little bit tighter.

“He is the only one Benny… How could he… I’d never… He is IT for me, Benny. He can’t… he has to live… So I can tell him… He tells me, Benny, every day. He’d kiss me, and tell me, that he loves me. And I never… “

“Never what, brother?”

“Never said it back, Benny… Never said I loved him. I love him. He can’t… he can’t go away, not without me telling him… He can’t die, Benny. Period.”  
“He won’t, Dean. He won’t.”

Dean is barely half conscious when a young looking doctor with tired eyes comes up to them, and Dean is really grateful, that they put each other’s names on the “emergency contact” list, AND that they signed those papers Sam insisted they do upon hearing that Cas has no next of kin. Dean is legally allowed to be here, he is allowed to go in to Cas’s room, and the hospital HAS to share everything about Cas’s condition with him. And when – it’s a when, not an if – Cas gets better, he is going to marry the shit out of the guy. Because he needs Cas to know, how important he is. How much Dean loves him. Every fucking day of their remaining lives, he is going to tell Cas, that he loves him, until that son of a bitch starts to believe in it, and then some more. 

So when the doctor smiles at him, and tells him that he can go to Cas’s room, and that the injury wasn’t that bad, and the knife missed every vital organs, and didn’t do any real damage, he almost collapses with relief. 

“He’ll wake up soon, you can go in. He is in room 407” –says the doctor and then leaves with a reassuring smile. 

Dean goes to find room 407 in a haze. His mind registered what the doctor said, but he needs to see it for himself, he needs Cas to wake up, that he can look him in the eye, those deep, endless blue orbs, which threaten to swallow Dean every time he looks into them. 

The first thing he can remember about meeting Cas is his freaking eyes. Dean’s only seen blue like this while looking at the ocean, or post cards.  
Dean was sitting in a pub, with friends, when he laid eyes on the beautiful stranger across the bar. They stared at each other for what felt like eternity, then the guy gave a tentative smile, which made Dean abandon his group of friends without a word, and not even caring that they were looking at him like he’d just grown a second head (it WAS Sammy’s birthday after all). He returned to them eventually, but with Cas on his side. That night sealed the deal for Dean. At the time, they stumbled in Cas’s apartment, Dean knew it. He was in for a very-very long run. 

Cas didn’t talk too much that night, but as soon he made some comment about Sam’s smartass monologue, and MADE him shut up with correcting the giant genius (Sam wanted to cite from some fancy ass book, but got the lines wrong), Dean knew he was in love. The guy seemed to be so reserved, still his brilliance and light shone through all of his shyness. Which disappeared as soon they made it to the bed; Cas might be shy while in company he wasn’t well acquainted with, but he wasn’t reserved or shy while fucking Dean into the mattress. 

Dean settled in this relationship with such an ease that surprised not just his friends but even himself. He even mentioned it to Cas which earned him a quite memorable fuck that afternoon (bent over the kitchen aisle, begging for Cas to do him harder and faster), and after that they moved in. As Cas put it, if he “can deal with Dean’s spunk on his kitchen furniture, anything else should be a walk in the park”. Yeah, that made sense if one knew about Cas’s “slight” obsession with cleaning. The guy was a freak. And Dean loved even that about him. 

 

And now he couldn’t even remember why he never told him. Yeah, he was Dean Winchester, never a big fan of words, he always ACTED instead of talking. And he assumed, Cas knew it. He seemed content, never asking for Dean to return those words. But Dean realizes now, he wrong he’s been. Cas probably waited for Dean to fall in love with him – which is ridiculous because Dean only could fall in love with Cas MORE if that is possible – and grew more and more insecure with the time. Not that Dean wasn’t there for him at every turn Cas needed him, did everything Cas asked, sometimes without asking… so Dean thought it was ok not to SAY the words. Not that it was hard to say, just… unnecessary. Or maybe not. 

Right now, standing at Cas’s bed, and looking at his pale form, Dean just wants to throw up or scream. Cas thought, that Dean wanted out, and he’d let him go. Putting what Dean wanted before his own desires. Cas didn’t even put up a fight upon seeing Dean “cheating” on him. Because Cas is a big idiot, and as soon he gets better, Dean is going to kick his ass. But right now, he needs to be calm. He almost lost Cas, and the thought only makes him dizzy again. 

So as soon Cas wakes up, Dean is going to make sure, that Cas KNOWS what he means to Dean, how important he is. Then, he can kick his ass. And make him promise to NEVER give up Dean so easily, or put his own needs behind others’. Not even Dean’s. 

The minutes never kicked by in such a slow motion for Dean. He feels like he’s been standing at Cas’s bed for hours, but in reality it takes maybe 10 or 15 minutes for Cas to wake up. 

At first his eyes are clouded and he is struggling to focus, but then his eyes find Dean, and a small smile lights up his face, only to disappear in a matter of seconds. That’s when Dean breaks. He collapses into the chair near the bed, and grabs Cas’s hand.

“Dean…”

“You shut up and listen, Cas. I know you’re pretty out of it right now, but I’m telling you anyhow. I love you. You get that?” – the way Cas’s eyes widen almost comically, is a very good indication, that yeah, he gets it. 

“Good, because you are going to hear it every damn day, like it or not. I love you Cas, and only you. That thing with Benny… we were just joking. We are always saying shit like this, but it’s just a joke. You ARE the one for me Cas. And you thinking I could feel any different or leave you, it’s just wrong, dude. You are like my everything. Need you Cas, need you so bad. And I almost… “ – his vice breaks down and he can’t say it, not right now. He wonders, if he’d ever be able to say it. But there is no need. The half-drugged, goofy smile that graces Cas’s lips, and light up his eyes are distracting enough for him to lose his train of thoughts. 

Cas squeezes Dean’s hand, and croaks out on a raw voice.

“D…Dream…?”

“No Cas, it’s not a dream, and I’ll be there for the rest of your life to prove it to you… But you have to promise me dude, not to do that again. Never ever, I almost died there… “

Cas’s somehow rueful smile turns into a beam, so radiant, and happy as soon Dean kisses the back of his hand, that Dean can feel a slight sting in his eyes, and has to clear his throat. 

“Sleep, NERD” – he whispers, and leans in to press his lips to Cas’s.

 

So yeah, during the last month, Cas might’ve gotten a bit obsessed. He apparently took on Dean’s promise he’d tell Cas he loves him all the time Cas wants to hear it.  
Right now, Dean’s dream is being shattered by a hand shaking his shoulder, and he wakes up to Cas’s big, owlishly blinking eyes staring in his. And even before Cas can get a sound out, Dean wraps his arms more securely around the guy, who’s being a total sap AND a pussy lately, and murmurs into the crock of his neck.

“I love you Cas. Sleep, NERD!”

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments please, as I'm an attention whore and generally 5 years old XD XD


End file.
